Claiming GRAVITAS - Hiding in Plain Sight
I have been a performer for almost my entire life.
I started taking theater classes when I was seven. I was cast in a very small film at that point and there was no turning back from there. I started taking modeling classes and began to be cast in television commercials and became the spokesperson for an international hamburger chain and appeared in their television commercials, their live promotions, and essentially what we now call an ambassador for four years. That led me to local and state and national pageant participation and then to a career as a voice and on-camera talent.
I started in the Midwest, based in Ohio, and became the go-to talent as a spokesperson for banks, car dealerships, grocery store chains, hospitals, pizza chains, and all kinds of different companies. I worked from Pittsburgh to Detroit to Chicago to Louisville and was able to generate a decent income for myself - quite good, actually, by the standards at the time. So I did what aspiring talent does - I moved to New York. I signed with the first agent I interviewed with, booked the first job I auditioned for, and started really gaining traction. And then I got scared and I ran home to Ohio to get married. The threat - or promise - of exposure on a higher level felt terrifying to me.
Even though I consciously couldn't name it at that point, running back home to Ohio to get married really made no sense at all, especially considering the relationship I was running back home to. I really loved what I was doing and I was good at it.
And now, forty years later, I'm bumping up against a similar edge where I have deeply landed with something that I'm really good at. But ironically, it's this performer that I gained so many accolades for and good income from in the past that is keeping me from fully stepping into the work that I'm here to do.
This role of performer has provided a shield for me. A mask. A barrier of protection that has prevented the truth of all that I am and all that I have to offer from reaching you. And it has prevented me from really stepping in and allowing myself and my work to be seen and felt and experienced.
The idea of exposure has felt terrifying, and yet it's not something I've voiced often. But recently I've been called on the carpet by some very wise mentors - actually, over and over again - but now to the point where I'm finally willing to shift.
I've worked for a couple of decades as a web designer and I refused to do SEO. I could create the most gorgeous websites. They truly were and are. But creating a way for people to find them was this secret little way I had of hiding - until a friend called me out on it repeatedly, until I was finally ready to step up, step in, and allow myself to be seen.
Even in doing podcasts - this FierceGRAVITAS podcast is the fifth podcast series I've done in a number of years - and yet I have never studied the analytics of who was listening, where they were coming from, and I made minimal efforts at gaining listenership.
I've been hiding in plain sight all the time with this invisible shield seemingly protecting me from real exposure. And in a way, it's been selfish of me to not make myself available to be of service to others by hiding.
Every single one of us has gifts we came here to claim, to live as. And again, the Marianne Williamson quote comes back - who are you not to share your light? I know I'm bastardizing that quote, but you get the essence of it.
Part of claiming my FierceGRAVITAS and walking as that in the world - so that you can claim yours - is by showing up fully. Not by hiding. Not by wearing any mask. Not by performing. By letting you know and see and feel what's real.
And so, with a cracking voice and a deep knowing that I get to do this, I am stepping forward here and now, releasing the masks, releasing the facade, the performance, and claiming the truth of the work I know I came here to do.